“Are you losing weight?” You would think that those words would be music to any overweight person’s ears. Often it is quite the opposite.
Believe it or not I often purposely avoid sharing my decision to lose weight with you and it’s not because I don’t need the support. It’s because I am afraid - afraid of failure and at the same time afraid of success.
You see, when you have a long history of failed diet attempts like I do, attention is scary. It means I cease to be invisible. Yes, on one hand I like attention, but at the same time, I hate it because it means that I can no longer hide.
It’s like somehow the layer of fat covers up all of the sadness, guilt, and shame I sometimes feel. Sadness because I don’t feel good enough. Guilt because I allowed myself to get to this point. Shame because as strong as I claim to be, I can’t seem to find the courage and strength to turn this situation around and be consistent. I feel like a big fat failure and somehow, someway, carrying this protective layer allows me to hide that.
So please don’t make a big deal out of this! Recognize my progress but don’t give me too much attention. If you do I will subconsciously start sabotaging my progress so that I can become invisible again. You’re right it doesn’t make sense. But it doesn’t have too. It just needs to feel safe.
Again, don’t go on and on when you notice that I’ve lost a few pounds. If I say something to you about what I am trying to do, support and encourage me in a low-key way. Better yet, ask how you can help and listen, really listen. Don’t assume that what you would want is what I would want. What you think is helping may be hurting. Then pray.
Pray that I will not allow the voices in my head to win again. The ones that say this time will be like all the rest. Pray that this time, I win.
coach tam's Blog
40-something who loves food, fitness, and fun!